My BRCA Journal - The Breast Consultation

I got an invite to visit the breast surgery department for a consultation. Honestly, I had no clue what would happen, so I played with scenarios in my head. I was sure I didn't have to make big decisions that day. But I like to be prepared.

Since the clinic was a bit far away from my place, I had time to think on my way there. The long lonely road lead my mind go to think about the relationship I have with my breasts.

It was only two years ago when I started to like them. I have grown to love them since and celebrate them in a way they deserve to be loved.

When I stopped breastfeeding my second child, I got a feeling that I got back my body. They are off duty now and belong to me only.

As any girl who grew up in the 00´s, I also have a long history of accepting my body. As a late bloomer, it took me time to grow them to this likable size. I was perfectly flat-chested until the last year of elementary school. My mom and her friends acted as if I was the first skinny girl walking on Earth, so I had to gain weight in a short period. That totally messed up my mind - which is a different story - but on the other side, my breasts started to show.

Finally, it was worth buying a - uncomfortable and still overpriced- bra.

I was no longer, the skinny tomboy anymore. It was time to look more feminine, as it is a big issue in Slavic culture. I think girls in central Europe - Eastern European mindset - are forced to act, look, and behave more feminine as it naturally would come to us. But that is only my experience and those women with whom I have discussed this matter.

While I was walking to the hospital I was rehearsing what would I say if they asked my opinion.

"Yes, I know it makes sense to have the double mastectomy and prevent breast cancer. But on the other hand, I'd like to enjoy my newly found self-acceptance."

The whole happening reminds me of, how fragile is our life; our ego.

When you long for something for so long, and then you get it just so life takes away. You had it, but now you don't.

Am I too attached to my natural breasts? Is it materialism in a way? Can I continue to love my body even if it does not look perfectly natural in my eyes? Can I accept the constant change in life? My faith in my insanity is tested for sure.

So, yeah. I was hesitant to undergo the double mastectomy.

You have reached your destination - said the GPS. When I found a comfy chair to wait for the nurse I took a good look in the waiting room. It was filled with women. Half of them looked like they recently had chemotherapy. I saw one lady in her sixties with his husband and many other ladies with their sons. Everyone was 50+, some of them 60+.

My heart got heavy. I don't want my child to takem me to this place in the future. To assist me from one doctor to another. To see me fragile and helpless. Or, let me rephrase that.

I cannot prevent my loved ones from seeing me as vulnerable as those ladies. It might happen, might not. But I don't want them to go through the fear that a cancer diagnosis is causing. I cannot prevent many things from happening to me and my loved ones, but breast cancer and every heavy feeling around it is something that I can prevent.

I took a deep breath.

As a sensitive person, I felt I inhaled all the feelings in the waiting room. I have felt regret and sadness in the air. I became sad too. I don't want to immerse myself in this feeling and imagine the other ladies' background story. I know nothing about them. So, I reminded myself to tune out and the nurse came to walk me to the doctor's office.

She was the sweetest nurse I have seen.

The doctor was kind too. She was indeed curious about my opinion and my plan with my breasts. It is still a shock to me; after all, I'm from the wild wild central-east.

I'm certain about my future.

At least regarding my plan of the mastectomy. I want to undergo the surgery in two years. I want to do my best to protect my family, and my health while I'm young. I have seen what cancer does to people and their families and close friends.
I have lost two grandparents because of that, my second mom and I have seen my cousins suffer from pain. I have seen young and strong people weakened by cancer and chemotherapy. I'm lucky it only breaks my heart to see them in the hospital.

Don't get me wrong. I know that a breast surgery like that is also painful. I have helped my friend to recover from breast augmentation. It sucks big time.
You pretty much depend on people around you just to drink, bath and you are not supposed to move your upper body too much. I get that. But that choice is in my control. I can be prepared for that. But we are always unprepared for a cancer diagnosis. After all, people are hopeful beings.

I have no intention not to prevent something easy to prevent.

The doctor told me they would probably approve my double mastectomy but I have to wait for that. Until the surgery, I will face screenings.

Until that, keep on practicing magic!

Thanks for reading.

The Witty Witch