Giving Less

Shifting focus and finding balance. Losing a skill to learn a new one. A shift from selflessness and overgiving to self-focus and boundaries. All the guilt that comes with this evolution.

I got the perfect birthday gift from my friend — a spa day. She knows how my mind gets too busy to function sometimes. I mean, all the time.

The only cure I know is returning to the warm water, the calm moments, and the bubbles that clear my mind and soul. A visit to my own little world while my physical body is surrounded by water.

But I don’t own a bathtub, and the sea is too cold in March.

So, I got this present almost a year ago.

A bit overwhelmed with joy, I postponed using it. I don’t know why. Maybe I was savoring those few hours of luxury. Maybe I thought tough times were ahead of me; better use it when I most need it. I was thinking of gifting it to someone who needed it more.

Summer came, and I forgot about the gift.

As I started my self loving and accepting era — some say it’s my bitchy era - I minimized my urge to please people. Months went by, and my friend asked how the spa was.

Ugh, forgot about it.

As I was checking the gift card, I realized it had only two weeks left until its expiration. Went ahead and booked myself a spa ritual.

On my way there, I was thinking about how great I used to be at gifting. My friends loved to get a secret Santa from me because I knew what would make them feel seen. My brain just remembered all the small and big details about their interests, wishes, or new hobbies. I kept a tidy and huge place for this matter.

Classic people pleasing.

By now, I have made some room for my interests, wishes, and new hobbies. So I realized I got way worse for recalling their needs. Ugh, I was ashamed, I felt egoistic, and a bad friend. I mean, I still know what they like, I’m just not extraordinarily good at gifting anymore.

A part of me died, and death means change.

I guess this is part of the self-acceptance journey, to balance out others and my needs. My focus is on me, while balancing on how to be this new me without hurting anyone.

Thank you for reading me!

And sorry for the half-ass gifts, my friends.